the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You smell like stripper and shame
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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