I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
