it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
