R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
