if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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