I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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