i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
