i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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