Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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