the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
