WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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