At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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