I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
