I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
