remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
