My liver just broke up with me...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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