Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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