what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
