I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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