Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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