I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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