my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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