note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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