so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
