great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Quick, to the slutcave!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
