I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
