I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
