so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
