when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
