I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
