Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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