Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
