Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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