Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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