am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
nutella sex= disaster
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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