I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
