Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Rumble strips road head = magical
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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