1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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