Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
