I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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