whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
