new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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