How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
