FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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