I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i would punch a child for taco bell
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
