saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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