that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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