All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
