dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize