I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
