You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
