And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
