I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
