I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
