i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
