lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
