I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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