the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
