Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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