I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We left the knife in your bed.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
