I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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