I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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