Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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